There’s touch and then there’s Touch
Practical tips for sensual Touch between lovers
The former is something we all do. It’s innate, part of everyday life and without it, we quite literally, die (studies on newborn babies have proven it!).
Touch with a capital T is something some of us have intuitive understanding of and some of us need a little help with. Regardless of where you are on the scale, conscious Touch is what makes us all better lovers. This is when touch becomes sensual Touch. The kind of Touch that makes your body ache for more. The Touch that really feels through all the layers of attraction, vulnerability, time pressure, desire, understanding, to really connect lovers to each other.
So what makes for good Touch? As a Touch professional I have really had to sift through all the variables to find the key elements that I believe make for good Touch. Everyone will have a different perspective but my fundamentals are:
Add into those a solid understanding of the difference between giving and receiving and you and your lover will be tingling in anticipation of when it might happen next. I also recommend that you prioritise your intimate time together. Set a date and try a few new things. Here’s a few ideas that might help your explorations.
Presence: When you touch your lover, are you really, fully there? This has very little to do with what you’re actually doing but how you are doing it. This is more about you being in your body first, before you even begin touching anybody else. Is your mind fully focused on what you are doing? If you find your mind wandering off to the thing you’ve left off your shopping list or the report you need to write – how do you come back to yourself? Try breathing then focus on the sensations you are noticing in your own body, then see what happens when they connect with the body of your lover.
Curiosity: When we are fully present within ourselves, we can begin to really have fun. Listening through every pore, cell, tissue and muscle we can notice (really notice!) things that can inspire our curiosity. Different skin surfaces collide and the variables are infinite! The lips, hands and genitals are the most nerve rich zones of the body and as such are the most favoured places for sensuous Touch. But remember – our whole body is a sensate-rich vessel – find body parts that you haven’t spent time with before. Hair, breath, bones, joints are all just as interesting tools for Touch. Mix these in with your erogenous zones and the composition is compelling. This then invites in dynamic range: experiment with pace, pressure, movements. Go slowly. The tension of pace and pressure is exciting. Then try a new combination and listen (with your whole body) to how your lover responds. This brings in the final fundamental…
Communication: It’s been said a million times: communication is the key to everything. Whilst there’s a lot of non-verbal communication going on between any 2 bodies, asking for feedback or asking questions takes the guesswork out of what your lover might be experiencing. This is the proactive approach.
Ask questions of your lover:
How’s this pressure/pace?
Is there a part of your body yearning for something right now?
How could this touch be more perfect?
And keep asking. Practice the art of cultivating communication. Ask open ended questions so you get more detail. Really listen to the answers. Try it out and ask if that’s what they meant. The gap between what we think we are doing and what someone else’s version of that is, is enormous. Get specific and frame it in the positive. The more you practice asking questions, the better responses you’ll get and the more the communication loop will flow. Then your lover might even get confident enough to ask outright for what they want.
This is one of the most common requests I have from people: I’d like to get better at asking for what I want. So let’s help each other out and start asking for what they’d like.
But which comes first: asking for what I want or asking them for what they want?
This leads me to the art of giving and receiving. We all know the difference and we all know how nice it is to be on either side of that equation. But why is it that with sensual Touch we try to do both at the same time? Neither party really gets the full benefit out of the deal because we can’t fully be in both roles of that exchange at the same time. So try to simplify it and decide who is going to be giving and who is going to be receiving. Then swap roles. That way you both get to:
practice asking your lover what they’d like;
practice asking for what you want;
indulge in the pleasure of receiving;
indulge in the joy of giving.
It also means that if you and your partner have slipped into habitual roles around who does what to each other, you both get to experiment and try new ways of connecting. It’s quite usual that people feel guilty fully receiving so as not to appear selfish. Well, with this format, you can let that go because you know that you’re going to swap. If it helps you can set a timer: 3, 5, 10 or 20 minutes each. Repeat as desired. This can help too, if finding the time seems to be difficult. Then the whole process becomes a game. And as adults, we could all do with a little extra erotic playtime scheduled into our busy lives, couldn’t we?
Charlie Ahrens is a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, sensory artist, mother and lover. She offers individual and couples coaching on erotic embodiment at her sex-positive venue, Pulse, in East Brunswick. Ph: 0490 044 979 email: firstname.lastname@example.org